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[20 Jul 2003|08:34am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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Today's Optimism is brought to you by: Sleep.
Sleep is a good thing that I don't get much of. I don't get enough of. I love sleep, damnit. Love it. Sleep is wonderful. I tend to give off the impression that I never sleep but this is not true. I never sleep for more than an hour at a time. 'cause I just sleep whenever, for a little bit. and then maybe when my day cycle hits 'night' (which very well may be noon) I'll sleep a little longer. 4 hours at a time, tops, unless I've been keeping myself up. This is probably due to the fact that I used to sleep in certain classes every day. *heh* Only Geography, and Study hall. and then I took a nap afterschool in the bathroom. Geeze. This school year I've got to start getting more sleep. Because sleep is a good thing. In fact- I'm going to go sleep some more right now because you know what? I want to. and I can.
Sleep. Rawr.
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[20 Jul 2003|07:55am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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Today's(yesterdays... sorry) Optimism is brought to you, invariably, by Megan and Laura.
Yesterday Megan and Laura came all the way from huston to hang out with me. we watched Eddie, and talked, and then just kinda yakked at each other... and then we had dinner.. and.. talked.. and then we came upstairs and sat on my bed, and kinda mininapped for a while.. until they decided it would be fun to tickle me until I DIED. *lol* But I laughed so hard last night my ribs hurt this morning. *lol* So that's good. It takes alot to get me that laughing these days, and I really needed some damn cheer. *lol* And I got it. So Yesterday's belated tribute is to Megan and Laura, who made me laugh. Alot. *giggles* But they also made me sleepy with their sleepyness. So while I wanted to be a good friend and stay up to get an im from them that they were home and alright and fine and not hurt, I could not. so now I feel kinda bad. but... oi. anyway. to Megan and Laura!
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[18 Jul 2003|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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This journal is now re-activated. *heh* It will be used as a way of keeping myself happy with life, by forcing me to name every day at least one thing about life that is good.
~~~~~
Todays Optimism is brought to you by: Cereal.
Cereal Is one of the best foods there is. It is sugary, and colourful, and often comes with little marshmallows. Also, it's good with milk, and I don't get enough dairy in my diet. Today I ate froot loops. They were fruity and loopy, and it was good. I also had a pop tart. Another thing about Cereal is variety. There are so many different types of cereal- and most of them are good. Cereal is good with milk, or dry. and if you're looking for a quick snack, a handfull of cereal will do just fine. Put it in a baggy to keep in your locker or notebook for school, and then... you can munch. And munching is the best kind of eating.
also, being munched. *eyes aim*
Munching is good. and Cereal is munching food. And it shall be munched. And so the moral of this story, is that Cereal is good. and I like munching.
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[24 Mar 2003|05:01am] |
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mood |
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I have to say goodbye, now.
I'm sorry to those who might miss me.
I just need to get away.
I'm still around, and not that hard to find if you know me well enough. but I'm going back in time, I guess.
I just.. really need this, guys.
It's over. We're better.
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[23 Mar 2003|03:08am] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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you know.. I keep comming to post somthing... and then I end up closing the window, because I don't want to get bitched at about how i shouldn't be sad... when all I'm doing is stating the truth about my life.
I don't even know why I have this thing anymore. no one I know that bothers to be my friend anymore reads it... and why should I keep informed the people who only were my friend because of her... and without me and her being friends... I'm not good enough to be your friend.
So yeah. whatever. I may not know who my real friends are... but at least by now i've figured out alot of people's motives.
oh.. and my sister's not ok. that's all the bullshit doctor would tell us. as if we didn't already know.
this is shit. fuck it.
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[19 Mar 2003|03:28am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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my sister has an appointment with the cardiologist today.
...
yeah.
On another note... If you're the kind of person who prays... Please, please pray for my house in florida to sell. I know that makes no sence. But my family really needs to get that house sold... I miss that house... but I'm not going to get it back now. and If that house dosn't sell... I don't know what we're gonna do.
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[15 Mar 2003|04:04am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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*sigh* Spring break is over.
I don't want to go back to school.
Why can't summer get here?
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| Stolen from Ta. 'cause I can. |
[10 Mar 2003|08:12am] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
] |
Anger
1. who did you last get angry with?
my mom, I think.. that's a safe bet these days.
2. what is your weapon of choice?
phone book... *grins* Ten points to anyone who knos why.
3. would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
hell yes.
4. how about of the same sex?
again... hell yes.
5. who was the last person who got really angry at you?
hmm... I dunno. most of my friends aren't very communicative... prolly someone from school they hate me.
6. what is your pet peeve?
people opening my containers without my permission, not having exact change, vending machines that only accept dollars, stuff that melts, when people use my computor, aol, noisy eaters, flat soda, when people use the letters 'u' and 'r' as words, my brother singing, people not flushing toilets... I could go on for hours.
7. do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I forgive easily, but never forget and often dwell.
Sloth
1. what is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?
anything... I'm fricken lazy.
2. what is the latest you've ever woken up?
hmm. 9pm.
3. name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
my gramma. both of them. and Jess.
4. what is the last lame excuse you made?
"my hair is wet..." (don't ask...)
5. have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
uhm. no.
6. when was the last time you got a good workout?
hahaha. uhm.. when I was on the basket ball team... which was like, last fall.
7. how many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
I have a clock? cool.
Gluttony
1. what is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
o.O uhm.. I drink Mt. Dew. that's it, really.
2. meat eaters: white meat or red meat?
dark white.
3. what is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
uhm... I dunno. I had a glass of wine at my gramma's last wedding
4. have you ever used a professional diet company?
uhm... yeah. my gramma signed me up.
5. do you have an issue with your weight?
yeah. serious issues. I have issues with everything.
6. do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
sweet!
7. have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought food?
uhm. no.
Lust (this should be one of those "if no to question #, skip all others)
1. how many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?
Hmm. 6. wow.
2. how many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians/family?
*eyeshift* half of one. 'cause I was just topless.
3. have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
hehehehehehehe. yeah.
4. have you "done it"?
*pouts* no.
5. what is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Honestly?
hands. Seriously. touch me. *eyeshift*
6. have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
uhm. no.
7. have you ever had to get tested for an std or pregnancy?
nope... I'm all... lame.
Greed
1. how many credit cards do you own?
none...
2. what's your guilty pleasure store?
oh my...
3. if you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
*ponder* buy some land, and put a house on it... Buy myself a car 'cause I can drive now... get my mom a new car, too... a new computor... some cd's... a ddr machine... buy my school a bus... I dunno. after that if there was anything left at all I'd put it in the bank.
4. would you rather be rich, or famous?
rich. if you're famous without being rich you're a failure... plus people won't leave you alone...
5. would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
hell yes.
6. have you ever stolen anything?
heh. yeah.
7. how many mp3s are on your hard drive?
no clue. not many, considering how many some people have.. but at least several hours worth.
Pride
1. what one thing have you done that you're most proud of?
pass biology last semester with a B+... yeah, I suck.
2. what one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
I dunno. I don't talk to them.
3. what thing would you like to accomplish in your life?
I have a list... a very long list.
4. do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
only if the person in first dosn't deserve it, or is an asshole.
5. have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
yep.
6. have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
yep.
7. what did you do today that you're proud of?
not die... I guess. I didn't do anything today.
Envy
1. what item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Not gonna say 'cause it's a person, and I don't know if they read my lj. I just want her to move to my town, though.
2. who would you want to go on "trading spaces"?
on what?
3. if you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
uhm. only one person? damn. I dunno. some weird German model or somthing. Not a big name, so no fame, but a foreigner, beautiful, and with some money... I guess.
4. have you ever been cheated on?
I dated Kiku... of course I have.
5. have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
holy shit yes.
6. what inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
the ability to accept things.
7. do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
nah.
8. finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
ooooh... pride. 'cause it's the worst of the lot. because even good deeds done with pride are a sin.
The Seven Heavenly Virtues
Faith
1. what religion do you follow?
none. HAH.
2. what religion were you raised as?
catholic. ;.;
3. do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property?
human. nothing is a religious property... because religion is a human invention.
4. do you believe in magic?
absolutely
5. what was the last promise you broke?
That I'd go to bed last night
6. have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it?
every time I prayed until I convinced my mom to let me stop
7. do you believe that anyone could be perfect?
If you find someone who's perfect, please let me shoot them.
Hope
1. did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season?
actually, yes. everything that was realistic, that is.
2. regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for?
a future
3. do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure?
nah. I'm a cynic.
5. have you ever bought a lottery ticket?
nope
6. do you gamble?
nope
7. have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway?
no...
Charity
1. what causes do you support?
none.
2. what causes have you given money or time to?
none..
3. have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless?
no...
4. would you ever consider joining the peace corps, amnesty international, or another travel?
no..
5. do you give money to the homeless on the street?
no...
6. have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food?
I don't have anything to give them, really.
7. what's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need?
listened.
Fortitude
1. what are you most afraid of?
lonliness
2. what did you do today that was really brave?
nothing
3. who is your favorite superhero, and why?
I guess superman.... 'cause of Smallville...
4. would you put your life in danger to rescue someone?
who is it?
5. if you were to face the wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?
I'd want to be the wizard, of course.
6. have you ever gotten stage fright?
nope. I'm a drama freak.
7. do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower?
a deserter.
Justice
1. have you ever been summoned for jury duty?
nope
2. if they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it?
I'm not going into the military. that's just simple fact.
3. do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)?
yes.
4. which should be guaranteed legal?
what's the question, sorry?
5. do you believe that dubya is rightfully president of the usa?
who cares? geeze.
6. what was your favorite media circus trial?
OJ Simpson. yeah. 'cause... uhm.. he shot Mr. Burns. and blamed it on Maggie.
7. have you ever written a letter to a politician?
hell no.
Temperance
1. what do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on?
anything I want
2. do you collect anything?
no...
3. are you addicted to anything?
caffine.
4. have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan?
no...
5. what's your preferred method of paying for things?
money?
6. tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do?
love... certain people.
7. do you feel that you obsess over things?
holy shit, yes.
Prudence
1. who is the wisest person you know?
hmm. I don't know.. I don't think I know anyone who is truely 'wise'.
2. have you ever participated in a vigil?
no?
3. do you take advice when it's given?
when it's good.
4. what area are you wisest in?
nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of things
5. do you drive defensively?
I dunno
6. have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage?
nope...
7. what did you learn today?
That I should stop trying to get my mother's attention and let her ignore me like my brothers do.
8. and of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue?
uhm... love. that's not one of them, but it should be.
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[10 Mar 2003|03:08am] |
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mood |
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exanimate |
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why the hell was my journal in read-only mode for so long? glar! I tried to post all day yesterday... and no luck! Spiznurffle!
and now... my new theme song. I left my cd on repeat last night/morning. and I woke up ant this was on. and these words just jumped out at me. and I cried, and went back to sleep.
I could tell from the minute I woke up
it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
and try to tell myself I can't go back to bed
Even though the sun is shining down on me
and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody knows what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day.
this is how I feel every morning. I wish I could just go to sleep and dream forever. all my dreams lately are fricken weird. but not scary. Those dreams stopped a little wile back.
and one last thing. Imaginary friends never stop loving you, unless you stop loving first. No one will understand what I mean by that, except maybe Kiku. Maybe.
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[08 Mar 2003|04:31am] |
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mood |
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Yesterday I went to this competition... and I sag a song... and I got a superior. that's the best rateing you can get.
which means in two weeks I'll be going to another competition.. and singing the same song.
They liked me.. I won... so why don't I feel good about it?
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[05 Mar 2003|03:18am] |
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mood |
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exanimate |
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beforre I say anything... I'm not suicidal. I'm not going to kill myself. that's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is I don't want to live anymore. but I don't want to die. What I want is to hide. I just can't take it.
I'm so far behind, so far away... so... so... hurt. sick.
I can't take it. not at all. The friends.. the not friends. the tests... the projects... I can't take it.
and I can't talk to anyone I know about it... because no one I know exists in the real world. all of my friends are imaginary... shadows of real people that I will never be able to touch.
I need. I don't know what I need. but I'm very needy.
I want someone to hold me. but I have no one.
how do you tell someone you love that they're not enough? that they're not real?
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[03 Mar 2003|02:24am] |
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mood |
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irate |
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*eats cake*
I got some presents today. yay
Marsh hurt Bob. it's a show of great restraint that I have said nothing to Marsh. I wanna castrate him. and then stab him. repeatedly.
I don't want him to die. *eyeshift* just be in pain.
I lurf my Bob. ;.;
see? I updated...
nothing's been happenning except online... 'cause I havn't gone to school in a week.
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[28 Feb 2003|04:09am] |
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I'm not dead. really. *faint smile*
I just havn't updated in a while. partly 'cause I couldn't come up with anyhting non-bitchy to say, and partly because everytime I'd send it the site would illegal op or somthing.
So I waited a few days, and it seems to be working now. At least.. it let me enter somthing on my poem LJ. Which I've only ever given to rai and Lemons, I do beleive.
I don't feel missed, though. not by LJ. because the people who are on lj... if you wanted to talk to me, I'm always on aim. If you don't wanna open up a window and talk to me, that's fine.
so here's what's been going on...
I had a birthday. go me. got some cd's. got a new mp3 player. about 30 minutes worth of space on it. *small smile* but I like it. it's cute. it's exactly the same as my last one.
It snowed. I was very excited.
Last friday I got sick. havn't gone to school since. I have a doctors appointment today. And I'm sure she'll tell my parents that all i have is a stuffy nose and severe laziness. Which is true.
That's all I feel like telling.
except that I'm on the Staff of The Portkey room now. that makes me very happy. and already I've been more useful than I ever was for Apoptygma. Which is kind of stupid. But then, I never really was staff, was I? I just was a person with a green gummy.
but now I'm all important. I feel needed, and loved. And that's what's important, right?
Also, I've recently become aware of the band Tatu. and I love them.
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[19 Feb 2003|06:35am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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I am making an end to my course.
A word to the wise:
the more people have
the more they want.
After the clouds, Phoebus
Over and over again
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[19 Feb 2003|06:01am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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I swear... If one more person quits on me like this I'm gonna slice myself. I just can't take this. and damnit.. everyone knows I can't take it. but still Bob left pissed off and now no one's around do talk to... at least no one that really knows Bob...
And I just got through with that whole ordeal with Phoebe.. and that was hard enough, and I needed it. But... glah. I can't loose anyone else. I swear. and If that's not bad enough... I always seem to find the worst possible person to go and cry at when bad things happen.
I shouldn't have left Pesh and Amanda last night.. all I need is one of them to be mad at me, too.
you know what sucks? when you do somthing stupid, and even though you know it's stupid, you still do it. and you start regretting it even as soon as when your finger hits the enter key... and if you could go back in time just a tenth of a second.. you'd have thought better about it, and just deleted that comment.
What the hell did I do, anyway? to make all my friends hate my guts and want to leave me all of a sudden? I've been trying to improve myself... that's all I've done. Tried to make myself not so needy...
and yet the list of people whom I care about that care back keeps getting shorter and shorter.
and where the hell is a best friend when you need one?
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| I can't think of a better way to say it. |
[17 Feb 2003|07:29am] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
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Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn
Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life before was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me, can I be your honey bee
Be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
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[14 Feb 2003|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
] |
Bull. Shit.
*waves*
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[14 Feb 2003|05:12am] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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I want a fricken Valentine, damnit.
Hi, yes. I'm still here. I guess.. I dunno. I dont have anything to put in here anymore becase basicly I've been trying to limit my sad bitch rants... that and the fact that the non sad bitchy stuff I put in here I don't want to tell certain people anymore. 'cause every time I talk to them, I feel like I'm being interrogated. "where hve you been? why did you make new friends aren't we enough for you?"
And I'm sick of feeling horrbible because I finnally made other friends. And you know what? I really, really like my new friends, rei. they're fucking nice to me. and not just when I do somthing nice or finnally manage to please them. they're nice for the simple reason that they're my friends. And I don't have to worry that I'll say the wrong thing and suddenly be on their badside. I never stopped being friends with any of my old friends. And I didn't outgrow you- you outgrew me, and left me behind. I hate to say somthing as petty as 'it's all your fault'... but I tried really fucking hard to be a good friend. and after failing for so long. I should get to try it with someone who might just care.
i want a fricken Valentine. I never have a valentine. Bob said she'd be mi valentine. But I think that was just us playing around.
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[10 Feb 2003|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
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I was gonna write a real entry.. but I think rei said it all.. *small smile*
taken from rei:
"updating has seemed like a chore for me as of late. but right now, i'd rather update than write my essay. = D i'm such a bad student. *sigh* i could bitch about it but what i need to do is stop bitching and just do the things i need to to fix myself."
I even have an essay due today that I just... didn't do. I didn't read the book... didn't research it, didn't write it. I'm a lame little fuck, I know. I'll prolly do it tonight and then do extra credit shit to make up for turning it in late. I just... have no enthusiasm for anything anymore.
On a lighter note, I finnally talked to my parents instead of random internet people about how I feel about a bunch of the shit I have with them.
gods, I'm a little foulmouth today. oops.
I still feel all... blah. you know what? screw it. I know I'm not wanted by the people I keep trying so fucking hard to please.
*gone*
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zwitschern's journal
